Growing up I seemed to lack a fear gene. I always heard statements like “one day you’re going to get your self hurt” or “you’ll meet someone bigger than you one day”. I usually let those things inspire me to try harder than allow them to scare me. All the way up to upper 20’s I had this minset. 

At one point a group of my friends were hanging out in town and got confronted with a pretty angry guy; who thought someone yelled something out to him. He came up to us threatening to pull a gun, yelling in our faces, and even coming up to me and pointing his finger to my forehead. I was so fearless that I continued to stand up for my friends telling the guy he was wrong! He eventually left with only his harsh words being spoken, and I was left with my friends once again telling me I was crazy and I should have just shut my mouth. I was angry that I was the only person willing to put my life in danger for justice. 

When I made the choice a few years ago to allow Christ in my heart fully, I lost who I was. Growing up, I had a set of “rules” to abide by (not understanding why?). I was to keep my hair long, no makeup, wear skirts, long sleeves, my split in my skirt couldn’t go up too high; just to name a few. Those things are meant for preference, not as you must do this to enter heaven. I didn’t know that because it was what I was taught how a relationship with Christ was. I didn’t know where to go from the moment I asked Jesus to forgive me and asked Him to enter in my heart. I was lost while being found. Unknowingly the process was just beginning. 

It seems as though the very thing I love and cherish daily is where I learned fear. Somehow becoming a mother set fear in my life. At every turn I see fear. I even find myself at times imagining fearfull situations that aren’t even plausible. Until this point in my life, I could not understand why people called me crazy for my lack of fear. Suddenly I found myself not even being able to talk to people because I allowed so much fear to set in. Years of fear was now controlling my every move. I prayed, I read (when I made myself) the Bible trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with this fear. I felt like nothing was helping and that pushed me even further into a whole of fear. 

Depression sprouted from my fear. I now thought things like, no one loves me enough, no one see’s my struggle, I am all alone, I’m a failure. The total opposite of what I was reading in the Bible. My thoughts held the knowledge of the Bible in the water as if they were drowning it. Sometimes I even found myself wishing I would have never even asked Christ in my heart. 

Along with the depression, I encountered “church hurt”. I allowed the words of a fellow Christian to push me down into more of a spiral roller-coaster. Then anger came along for the ride. So much pain, so much hurt, and here I was thinking that like majical fairy dust Jesus was supposed to just take it all away! When he didn’t I would sometimes find myself becoming more angry. 

To be honest with you, the only thing that kept me going was knowing what I’ve read in the Bible. *note-reading for myself, not listening to what someone said.* I read similar situations to mine and I began taking notes. I started with “you’re not welcomed here Devil” in random areas of my home on post it notes. I  strategically placed them in areas that made my mind think negative thoughts, as well as exits. The turn around was beginning. 

After months of digging out of this whole, I’ve began to see a difference in my fear, depression, and anger. I’ve also come to the conclusion that I was putting entirely too much pressure on my church hurt person because they are just that…. a person. We all make mistakes, non of us a perfect, we shouldn’t expect those in the church to be either. As I’ve said many times before, we as Christians are to help eachother in a loving manner when we see another doing wrong. We aren’t supposed to throw them to the side as hypocritical for a mistake. 

My process is just that, still in process. I pray that I will continue forever in process, because only then am I making progress. 

Prayer: 

God, please help us to acknowledge our own faults. Help us take ownership of our failures. When we are able o do these things, surround us with people who can lift us up. If we see someone’s struggle, give us courage to step in. In Jesus name. -Amen.