I am sitting here completely quiet and for the first time in a LONG time, my mind is at peace. I want to talk about something that gets what I call “the lemon juice face” when spoken about within the Christian community…. Mental Health. If you were able to read my previous blog, I spoke about living in trauma as a child, unknowingly. I recently learned that this trauma was affecting me in ways I was unaware of. Well, I didn’t stop my seeking/healing journey after that post; I actually dug deeper.

I also want to be transparent in admitting that prior to me wanting to become a counselor, I was majorly unaware of mental health/illness. I don’t know if it was because I was unintentionally avoiding it or if I thought my faith was/should be bigger than it. I was highly unaware of the effects anxiety can have as well as how much you aren’t in control of your body when it happens to you. This isn’t to say there may be people milking their situations and calling it something it’s not… this would be considered a crutch, something to cling to instead of putting in the work for healing. Guys, I can not stress enough to seek help when you notice something isn’t feeling right about your thoughts, or in your body.

For me, anxiety was manifesting in/from my gut. I sought medical help trying to find the cause of a constant pain in my right side, ultrasounds, CT scans, X-rays, I was even about to get a colonoscopy done right before realizing that my stress was the root of my problem. I could look for symptoms, or I could find the root. I decided to find the root and dig the ugly weeds up so that my garden can began flourishing again! I URGE you to do the same, if at any point you find yourself under a load of stress! The root of my stress is from almost five years of unmet (conversed) expectations. Let that marinade… I expressed my expectations and yet for years they went unmet.

The reality is, the expectation I was waiting on was difficult so I allowed excuse after excuse because I thought I was doing the right thing, and calling it “extending grace”. I was putting work in to better myself while excusing the behaviors/actions of another because I didn’t want it to be too hard for them. Wow. How often do we excuse others over and over, time and time again while we are intentionally working on ourselves in the process? Truthfully, not often, because, as I used to do, I would expect others to change without wanting to change myself. I heard Tim Ross say something on this, not quoting verbatim, but in a podcast with Lecrae he stated it’s easier to point out someone else’s flaws than it is to point out/work on your own!!! Y’all! Is that not what scripture reminds us? Matthew 7:3-5 tells us to take the plank of wood out of your own eye before trying to remove a speck from someone else’s!! So that’s what I was doing. I wanted to be a doer of the word, and decided if I see a flaw in someone else, chances are there is something I need to work on…. And there was a whole 2X4 sitting in my eye. Anyway, I figured, if I am working on myself, surely the other person will notice and work on themselves too… I was wrong. There may be circumstances that this can happen, but in this particular case, it did not happen. Instead, it seems as though my growth was taken as a weakness in which someone thought they were going to be able take advantage of. It’s just that when I started being still and hearing the Lord, my perspective changed. The boundaries I claimed to have in place weren’t there but when I noticed it, I finally did something about it. I metaphorically put my foot down and stood behind my stated AND agreed upon boundary.

Y’all, THIS was not easy to do. This meant some drastic changes had to take place and the outcome can honestly go North or South. (And it’s still being determined!) yet, my faith in God reminds me that even though it may not look like I want it to, I get to trust that God will work it out. It’s this part that I struggled with. Because this part brought anxiety. As a Christian I still squirm in my seat to admit that trusting in God has the potential to bring anxiety to my life. Because Tina as a person likes stability due to my childhood. Tina as a person likes solid answers because throughout my childhood, I was promised so many failed promises. And THIS is really why I allowed my boundaries to be interrupted for years, with someone else’s inconveniences or worry.

Now, to clarify, this is my story, not the other person, and the expectation/boundary came with a LOT of complications within and of itself. So to be truthful, the right answer seemed foggy, because whatever answer we chose would require a TON of faith either way. Knowing and understanding the magnitude of this, is why I allowed it for so many years. Meanwhile, unknowingly to me, anxiety was also building.

Without knowing what to expect from something like anxiety, I had no idea that this is what I was dealing with. My body and brain were in constant fight AND flight mode. I was clinging to faith while fear constantly gripped me. I was clinging to hope when it looked and felt hopeless. I was clinging to joy, when I wasn’t happy. I was clinging to faith and I wasn’t sure there was a way. The constant struggle of seeing VS believing. Looking at my situation while believing there is a way for change. Little did I know, that the answer would have to come within myself through the strength of letting go while obeying God. wheeeew y’all. That. Is. Hard. To. Do. Okay! It’s not easy to obey when it’s hard, but it’s also not impossible! Without obedience, there can never be true freedom.

Had I taken the time to truly get still with God, instead of operating out of constant crisis mode, I wouldn’t have been able to let go and let God. So, while I truly advocate for seeking temporal help for mental problems, I also advocate for seeking the wisest council of all, God. It’s okay to seek both, because God is in both! That’s how freedom comes into play, this side of heaven. Freedom can come instantly through a quick miracle and yet, often it comes through the slow cooker process of allowing God to move/work. How do you think humanity gains the wisdom and understanding to fight evils such as anxiety? God. That’s how, and this may shock your theology…. But the knowledge can be given to believers AND unbelievers! This is because God can use anything for you (His child) to receive healing. (Read your Bible).

A point I want you to take from this, is that again, it’s okay not to be okay…. However, it’s not okay to stay there. God desires freedom for you, He doesn’t want to see His children hurting. Think about this… if a parent knows their child is sick, they do whatever it takes to get that child better. As does our Heavenly Father. He sees your hurt and wants you to heal. The avenue in which that takes place may not be what you expect, and that’s why being still in His presence is vital to your Health. He may say that you and He can work on it alone. He may say go seek counsel. He may say, seek advice from your medical Doctor. He may say talk to your church community. He may say your family has an answer you need. The options are endless and because of that, we seek His advice because He is Alpha and Omega, only He is able to step outside of time and see the true futuristic healing you will have!

Holy Spirit, I ask you to reveal which path of healing my friends should take. Lord lead them to the right scripture/person/people in which you need them to be at for their healing process to begin. Father give us the courage it takes to look at the plank of wood in our own eye first, but don’t stop there, give us the wisdom to know what to do with it when we find it! Allow us not to hurt the ones we live in the process and prepare their hearts and minds for the change we will become! In Jesus name. Amen.