As I mentioned, I am emerging from a season that required me to pause and heal. Throughout this season, there were a few times when I opened this page to write, but I couldn’t bring myself to publish it just yet. This post was mostly written in the middle of my pain. I opened the draft today, read it, reflected on the exact moment I wrote it, and then began editing it. As I was walking out, I felt the very weight of my embarrassing and shameful divorce for all to see. Looking back now, I realize the feeling was much bigger than the way others saw it. When we are feeling the full effects of our pain, it can feel very magnified to us, and honestly, it is magnified to a degree. I think this happens because pain is similar to grief. For me, I had to lay my version of the future to rest. I had to remove all the thoughts and goals I had for my life and start over again. The hardest part of all that is continuing to trust in God when everything seems to be falling apart. I will not lie to you and say that my faith was never shaken throughout the past two years. Honestly, my faith was held on by a piece of thread that was quickly unraveling! Having faith the size of a mustard seed even felt too big! There were months when I didn’t pray. I also had to release my anger towards God. The thing I couldn’t wrap my head around was WHY and HOW could you (God) let this happen? Now, from the other side of my anger with God, I must say that truthfully, we will never fully understand the sovereignty of God. I also have to mention that His mercy and grace allowed me the ability to question Him. His love is something that also supersedes our earthly understanding!

This is what I had written in the midst of my pain:

I am thinking of two examples of how I currently feel. The first is the novel The Scarlet Letter, and the second is found in scripture, known as the story of a woman caught in adultery. I was thinking of these stories because of a conversation I was having about some things I am currently going through. In the conversation, I stated that I don’t really want to be around people because I feel like they are all looking at me as if I were holding a neon sign stating every struggle I am currently enduring. I referenced the novel as a way to give the other person a way to relate, saying, “You know, like wearing a scarlet A on my clothes.” What I am going through personally is not adultery. However, I can understand the pain this woman and the woman who was caught in the act of adultery must have felt. A better way to explain it is that it is as though I am wearing a capital S for shame and a capital E for embarrassment. I feel this way while also knowing the truth that although my current struggle was very real, when Jesus died, He took my shame and embarrassment to the cross to die. Because I have placed my faith in Jesus, I have been resurrected through His love and compassion for me (just as for you). I started thinking about this conversation more and more, and I began to think about the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11). It was customary under the law of Moses to stone anyone caught in the act, but Jesus came to shake the “law” and reveal God’s grace through His eventual sacrifice. The men who caught the woman had a feeling Jesus would go against the “law,” so they brought the woman to Jesus to trick Him. Their plan failed when Jesus looked at these men and said, “Let anyone of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her” (John 8:7 NIV). One by one, the men, remembering their sins, walked away. Jesus, the one without sin, could have thrown the stone at her, but instead, He threw grace at her. He told the woman she was free to go, and He said to her, “Sin no more.”

We weren’t meant to carry the weight of our burdens, which means we can trust Jesus with them. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus reveals that when we release our burdens and struggles to Him, the yoke we are connected to through Him is light. This means that once we acknowledge our burdens and pray them away to Him, we will receive rest through Him. Often, the struggle remains, but we can find peace in the storm. I believe it is because our focus shifts from the struggle to the goodness of God. Some things happen to us in life that can prove to be overwhelming at times, but when we find ourselves amid a metaphorical storm — life’s struggles — we can call out to Jesus, as the disciples did, and find peace during the storm (Mark 4:35-41). After being awakened, Jesus asked the disciples why they were fearful and if they still had no faith. The disciples had already witnessed Jesus’ appearances and the provision of miracles, yet their actions revealed fear. Could we be trying to manage our burdens and struggles without God, forgetting that we have faith in the Almighty God, who can do the impossible?

Today, I want to encourage you not to walk around in your shame, guilt, burdens, struggles, and so forth, but to pray and ask God to engulf you with His goodness. You may be in a season of contentment right now, but as you read this, you remember the pain of a recent struggle. If that is the case, I encourage you to use your story to help someone around you. Think of the many people you encounter who may not know Jesus or know of the freedom He offers us. Think of the many believers who can so easily get bogged down in their mess that they forget to release the heavy to the Lord and find peace.

Giant, I pray that you will find peace in your storm today. I pray that you will find comfort in knowing that our God desires good for your life, even through the challenging moments of your current reality. I pray that you will cling to Scripture, such as Romans 8:28. I pray that you will truly and deeply understand the love God has for you in your pain. I also pray that you will find the strength to share your story. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Sleeping Giant, Arise