Last night my youngest son clung to me in fear saying mommy… there’s something invisible in here. I said baby, I can’t see anything, if you see it… is it scary? Or does it make you happy? I asked these questions in hopes to guide him through the spiritual (unseen) side of the real world we live in. From his fear gripped hands around my leg, I could have made the assumption, but I wanted to teach him how to work it out with God. So after he reassured me it was scary (with his voice) I said, well baby, you have to let it know that it has no power and no authority here. He said, mommy, I want you to, I’m scared. I said, well, I will say it and you can follow, is that okay? He shook his head yes and I began praying out loud with him. “You have no power (he echoed), you have no authority (echo) you can’t stay here (echo) because Jesus is here (echo), it’s not by my might (echo), but by the authority of Jesus Christ (echo), you have to leave, amen (echo).” I asked him, do you still see it? Are you still scared? He said no it’s gone and let go of his frightening grip.

Fast forward to today… I had no idea that the ugly invisible being would turn into an ugly invisible thing we know as pressure. Today, I had enough, as a mom, as a step mom, as a person, as a believer, as just making choices…. It was though the last three years of steam that had been building and getting ready to burst through the seams would happen all in one morning/day/night. What began to spew out of control was at the control of another’s actions. It seems that I have been allowing circumstances to steal my joy. I’d spend purposeful time with the Lord before getting started with my day, be feeling good and suddenly a situation happens and all the joy I thought I stored up was depleted within moments. This happens not because I don’t have faith, but because I’m a weary soldier. I’ve been metaphorically bruised, battered, and beaten by lies, mistrust, and manipulation to the point of pure exhaustion. In turn, I made some bad choices. Nothing seriously bad, but choices I see and saw becoming worse if I didn’t seek help. I did what I always do, reach out to those that hold me accountable… however, this didn’t work this time. I knew within myself that I needed to seek something more. I NEEDED a counselor. Thankfully, through my husbands job, I am able to receive the extra help I am seeking during this difficult time in my life.

Tonight. I had my first ever panic attack. I’ve never felt so helpless and hopeless. I have faith for heavens sake… why would I feel so hopeless. It’s not because of a lack of searching, I do devotionals, listen to podcast, read/listen to self help books, and oh, I didn’t mention… I’m in school for 🥁🥁🥁… counseling.

I have been doing everything I know to do and letting go of everything I could let go of. And yet… it still wasn’t enough. I was listening to Lysa Terkeurst’s new book, “Good boundaries, and goodbyes” and it is through this book that God revealed areas that I didn’t know needed to be healed! I have never realized that the trauma I grew up in created such a wildly emotional person when (unaware) triggers of lieing and manipulating rared it’s ugly head. Without going into details, and in hopes of not degrading my mom, I have to express my true experiences as a child. I have set healthy boundaries with her a few years back, and it’s mutual. However it doesn’t take away the fact that I grew up, not knowing that I was living in trauma. I grew up with her not knowing she had an undiagnosed mental condition that created constant tension in our home and from what I understood (at the time) to be as people around her not holding her accountable for her actions. When lies and deception go unchecked… I know from personal experience, it creates a really awful monster. Until a couple of days ago, I had no idea that this is why accountability has been a major focal point in my personal life. Nor was I aware of the deep cringy feelings that overtook me for YEARS, when someone lied or was manipulative.

Prior to my mothers diagnosis, we had no idea that we lived In dis-function… other than deep down, knowing something wasn’t right and that her behavior wasn’t always okay! From my perspective, I had it easy compared to others in my family and I’m 38 just now realizing I NEED healing from my childhood. Let me be clear, I’m not saying I needed to forgive, I’m saying I needed to recognize my childhood was not rainbows and cupcakes and I’ve had to re-look at everything from as far back as I can remember and assess the damage it has caused me personally.

I’m saying this because I want someone reading this to know, you aren’t alone, it’s not too late to find freedom, and as a Christian, someone who has always had crazzzzzzzy faith for others… I couldn’t find an ounce of it within myself, for myself, and yet… I didn’t give up. You don’t have to either. You are not alone, seek help. Whatever that looks like for your life/lifestyle.

Anyway, I wondered why it seemed like I was pushing people out of my life, I could find the smallest reason to guard my heart and the truth is… I was and am afraid of hurt. I think we all are, if we can be honest. How many decisions do we make that are inattentively emotionally driven? A. Lot. In my case, I suppressed so much hurt from lies and manipulation that it took a literal act of God, the support of my husband and just as importantly, the support of friends!

Not having your typical movie family growing up, gave me the determination I NEED for raising giants (my kiddos)! And yet , the very thing I lack, is the thing I desperately do not want to get wrong … being a good mom, having guidance, having support, having unconditional love, knowing I’m safe, and soo much more. Let me pause to say… adult children still need a parent(s) advice!!! It feels even more so desperate as a mother myself to want to have someone I can ask questions to, to pop ideas to, to have someone listen and understand because they’ve been there too!

Humanity was not created to be alone, and yet, every where I turn I’m alone because I’m scared of hurt. I’m scared of what other people think of me, I’m worried about what people will think (aka overthinking) I talk myself into a fake ledge and I constantly JUMP! Not knowing I’m only hurting myself. Some boundaries are necessary, some good byes have to happen, but I am now learning that everyone deserves grace extended as grace was given through Jesus. Just as I have my own scars, others have scars. Just as I have hidden trauma, others may be operating from hidden trauma. You can’t see my ugly invisible monster, and I can’t see yours. This is why a safe community of people in our lives is necessary. A safe place, people that know your heart, and aren’t afraid to explore uncharted territories with you.

Tonight.. I had family in the form of friends! I had one friend to talk me down from what was the worst uncontrollable thing I’ve ever had happen, panic, another friend extended a listening ear and reminded me of truths. And another friend who agreed my struggles are REAL, and I’ve been in them for a while, and they do in fact “suck”, but let’s find truth in this and planted my feet back on the firm foundation of faith that I faithfully cling to!

I’ve learned so much through this situation and this is just the beginning! Freedom is on the horizon and tonight, freedom started with shear panic and ended with the truth that Jesus’ death and resurrection offer endless supplies of hope, love, grace, mercy and forgiveness!

If you find yourself resonating with what you’ve read, I want you know that I stopped typing to pray for you. I pray with compassion towards your situation that God will reveal His truth and purpose in your life. I pray that you will have the boldness and or courage to seek wisdom (counseling/therapy). I pray for a community to rise up and surround you with love, support, truth and grace. And I pray most importantly that you will see, know, and understand Gods love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness!

There is an invisible being in you as a Christian, it’s the Holy Spirit. Allow that Giant to awaken Gods calling over your life. Whether the calling is to simply know God for yourself, or to complete a task that He will get the glory from. I ask you to wake up the sleeping giant that God has in you. Wake up the boldness to declare the spiritual war has already been won. Wake up to declare Gods truth over your life. Wake up and acknowledge it’s okay, not to always be okay. Awaken the giant.

I am rooting for you and with you. Your strength may be weak, but God is ready to conquer and defeat.

SleepingGiantArise